One Hundred Seventy Six

I am not feeling very well. My body’s aching, my throat is sore.

And I cried.

“Makin kita besar, makin kurang tempat bergantung kan?” I asked, sobbing.

“Tak lah, cuma tukar tempat bergantung aje.”

One Hundred Seventy Five

I've been suffering from this writer's block since yesterday.

I had to write four 500-word essays yesterday and I managed to write 3 in less than 2 hours, hands down, pats on my back. All three received commendable comments from those who checked, and I was happy with their outcome.

When it comes to the forth one, I was suddenly stuck. I had no idea what to write about... and deadline is almost knocking on my door. I was so upset and discouraged that I probably portrayed a different kind of self to my husband.

He was so worried he immediately asked me out (LOL) for a drink and listened to what bothered me. And now, right at the moment I am writing this, he's sharing a number of articles to help me with my writing.

I'm all smiley now. Thank you sayang. Those articles really come in handy. They are very very helpful!

One Hundred Seventy Four

I still think Blogger needs an app (a working one) where I can easily access and pen down my thoughts anywhere I like. I am not with my laptop all the time. Jadi when I feel like all writing, I couldn't do it because of you Blogger! Grrr.

It's November. I'm scared, to be honest. Many deadlines are around the corner, my best friend's giving birth today, I have a life-changing decision to make (well it's already made, the processes that come with it takes time), payments due etc. Patutlah ramai orang rindu nak jadi kanak-kanak balik. Sigh.

One Hundred Seventy Three

Hayl asks challenging questions which usually starts with "Why" or "How".

Like, how does a dragon drink (does it even exist)? Or how long have Youtube been there (I asked him to google the history of Youtube)... why did kak Rose say this and that in Upin Ipin?

Most of the times, truthfully, we don't even have answers for these. As a matter of fact, these questions never really cross our mind!

Growing children are curious. They are absorbing fast through their observations and experience.

Stimulate their thoughts. Don't discourage them from thinking and asking even if it tires or annoys you. Don't shut them from being curious.

So yesterday he asked another difficult one, "Do USA want to (wage) war with North Korea? Why?" I asked him to google instead 😝 "Asyik gooogle je!" he replied.

Frankly honey, I would need to google myself to give you the answer. You might as well do the googling yourself.

One Hundred Seventy Two

I just received a devastating news.

My form 1 classmate had just passed away this morning out of heart attack, leaving a wife behind. We're barely 35, let alone 40.

This just reminds me of today's very unhealthy lifestyle. With lack of exercise (I barely sweat recently), the food intake, the amount of chemicals and artificial flavourings and colourings we consume is unimaginable.

From his recent photo, it's obvious his size has doubled, or even tripled since his wedding 3 years back. This worries me. It makes me think of my family, my husband and my friends.

Let this serves as a reminder, and a lesson to take greater care of our health. Because our body, too, is an amanah from Allah.

Al-fatihah, F.

One Hundred Seventy One

Will you remember me on this starry night?
Will you remember me when the wind blows softly against your face?

Will I be the one you think of before retiring tonight?
Will I be the first on your mind when you open your eyes?

Will I cross your mind amidst the laughter?
Will I even stay in when the silence strikes?

Would our thoughts somewhat connect in the universe?
Would that be the reason I'm longing for you right now?

Would it take absence to finally feel your existence?
Would it require distance to appreciate your presence?

aruzahazzi
22 Sept 2017

One Hundred Seventy

Nobody is stopping me from what I'm achieving. If you can't keep up, you may excuse yourself from this walk. You don't want to be the one holding me back.

One Hundred Sixty Nine

While taking his bath this morning, my husband brushed his teeth twice intentionally. I asked why. He said, "Doktor kan suruh gosok gigi dua kali sehari. So, malam ni kita tak payah gosok gigi lagi dah."

...

One Hundred Sixty Eight

I am technically a hobby-less girl. I don't listen to music nor do I watch TV. I don't do sports, indoor nor outdoor. I don't collect stuff. I don't play games (does Candy Crush count?) Oh maybe I like reading and writing, but these two aren't hobbies. They're not something I do religiously.

But I love things like marching, choral speaking, drama and all. I like coaching people involved in those. Maybe it just shows that I love teaching/coaching. But you wouldn't call it a hobby, would you? Because you don't do this on weekly or daily basis. You do this, I mean, I do this when there's a competition or when people hire me to.

I am basically a boring person. But when I engage myself in the abovementioned activities, I think people should respect my that. They should allow me to indulge in it and give me some space to be my true self.You know when you're doing something you really love and you tend to show your true colours.

Hey, maybe what I really love is winning. Yeah, maybe.

One Hundred Sixty Seven

Sometimes it's not fun to share things with him because he always makes snide remarks.

But yesterday was different. We were on the highway and it was a 3-hour drive. I was probably staring aimlessly outside the window and he asked, "Jaja fikir apa?"

"If I share you promise you won't make any annoying comment as usual?"

He nodded.

"I was imagining myself being behind bars. In prison."

He kept listening. But his eyes were on the road.

"I think the cruelest punishment can be imprisonment. Imagine how it can bore you to death looking at the four empty walls every second. Not having anyone to talk to."

I continued, "If I were in jail, I'd demand for books everyday."

He laughed, "If you're a bookworm why would you be in jail in first place?"

"Ramai je orang genius (not self-proclaiming, just comparing, LOL) masuk penjara."

"No, I mean, kalau Jaja kerja baca buku je hari-hari, bila masa Jaja nak commit a crime?"

"Oh yes. Tapi ramai je orang kena frame lepas tu masuk penjara. They write tafseers, solved maths problems, created scientific theories..."

"Betul. Macam ahli Ikhwan, Ibnu Kutb."

One Hundred Sixy Six

I felt a sudden emptiness when he walked out of the door yesterday. Can't believe this fortnight he spent in nenek's house would leave me feeling sore upon its end.

He literally tagged along wherever I went these past couple of weeks. And at night he'd ask me to sleep downstairs with him because he said, "But I like having you around."

Even when he didn't have any class in Prima, he'd still want to follow me. "Please please please," he begged. I couldn't afford declining this. He would hover around until I finished teaching.

He's so likable he received so many presents on his birthday last week. His presence is a pleasure despite his challenging and annoying questions. He's a little explorer who's so curious about everything around him. He's kind, obedient but also has his own temper sometimes.

A day before yesterday, Cik Nah said, "Next week rumah mesti sunyi," and I couldn't agree more. Today's the first day the house had an iftar this year without you, Hayl Arsyad.

You always have a special place in everyone's heart. I literally cried out loud driving back home yesterday knowing that you won't be there anymore.

See you next week.

One Hundred Sixty Five

I am not in my best days now. There are several personal issues I'm encountering that would affect my work performance as well.

I can be so demotivated when challenges hit me like this. I would curl in bed for hours doing entirely nothing. That's how bad I can be.

So I kinda reflect on my actions and feelings and I came across news on a lady being gang raped and her child being thrown away to the side of the road on the aftermath (he was found dead later), then I also came across stories on wives being beaten mercilessly by husbands, on parents who lost their children. I even visited my distant relative who's vegetable now and is taken care by her children...

All these made me realise how petty my challenges are. Comparatively, theirs mentioned above are beyond anything I could imagine myself enduring. Now I believe that Allah does not burden a soul more than it can bear.

But I still find this miserable feeling disturbing. I wish this ends soon. I can't even fathom it's actually happening. It's preventable, yet it happens.

One Hundred Sixty Four

I think people only enjoy juicy stuff lah. But as we age (or grow *cough* more maturely) we seem to be hesitant to share these kinda stuff publicly (or rather dah tak ada anything juicy pun that's happening in our lives LOL).

Dulu I'd share every conversation I found interesting, be it with my students, nephews, friends and especially Syafiq. Now I feel somehow embarrassed to be sharing them though the urge is there. People might think nothing really interesting takes place in this person's life. Or they might also think well she now knows how to keep things to herself hahah!

Regardless of what people might think, I'd stay true to myself. Only better. I mean, even if I'm no longer here in this world, this blog (as long as blogger still exists) remains and people may still read it. So I better be leaving a super good impression to the readers and they would pray that my dead body wouldn't be decomposed that quickly.

Oh and there's also this tendency to use hashtag here. Urgh all thanks to twitter and instagram.
 

One Hundred Sixty Three

I am in the midst of self-branding for business purposes. This has required me to do a lot of writing which resulted in me abandoning my beloved blog here.

Brand proposition is more difficult that I imagined it would be. I thought it was as simple as making something popular. But you don't want to be popular for the wrong reason. So you have to be careful with every posting (especially when you're doing it via social media), every words used and even every comment made!

But somehow I like the idea. I was pretty hesitant at first (read: it took me 7 years to finally agree to this) but then I get to draw a separate line between my private life and my professional life. I still get to be myself among the people who have known me for so long and people whom I just knew for work purposes.

I still have this naughty, outspoken and gedik side in me. I can't totally abandon this. But I too, don't wish that people in my business network to know that side of me.

Maybe I'm just being complicated. Maybe it's good, too.

One Hundred Sixty Two

Someone said my blog posts now are not as interesting as they used to be. Maybe because I am not as open as before. I pick and choose the things I wish to share publicly now. That's because I've grown out of my emo-teenage-years phase LOL.

Anyway I'm sharing with you on a feeling I shouldn't be having. It's a mixture of jealousy and guilt. Simply put, I am actually having this guilt trip for feeling jealous over something I shouldn't be!

And this feeling sucks. It just tears relationships away and keep us away from each other.

Husband repeatedly reminded me in his calmest way that I should be grateful with what I have in hand instead of being overwhelmed with something isn't necessary at all. He reminds me that Allah's blessing works in the most miraculous way that everybody lives a different path. I am frankly touched by all this positivity from him I cried out loud on his shoulder.

Anyhow we just watched Fast 8 just now and we suddenly came up with this crazy plan to go to Cuba for our next trip. Despite the fact it's gonna cost us years of savings, I'm sure it's going to rock. I mean, I've been meaning to go to that part of the world for so long. Anyone who knows me personally would know I love North/South America! I've been wanting to go to Bahamas, Buenos Aires, Brazil... and how much I love Mexican food. Oh my. This really excites me.

I know I am not supposed to spill the beans but considering I don't have as many readers as before I might as well share this excitement with you. And you know when Ixa says she wants, she's gonna make sure she gets what she aims for. She totally rocks.

One Hundred Sixty One

Spread your arms and happiness. So you'll see the whole world smiles with you.

One Hundred Sixty

It's very hard to find a quality time to spend together these days. He has been busy... we both are very busy and even when eating or before sleeping we only managed to chat about important stuff, which mostly are pertaining to work.

I miss going on a date, where we hold hands and being lovey dovey is all we do. The last time we actually did nothing but sat around and stared at the ocean was on new year, which is like 3 months ago.

I miss him dearly though I still wake up next to him on daily basis. Maybe I miss the cheeky part of him. Maybe I just miss being worry-free and just enjoy his companionship because I love being with him.

One Hundred Fifty Nine

I have always been the teaching one. Bit of a scribbler too as I remember better when I write. Was never good at listening.

One Hundred Fifty Eight

Lebih separuh bulan pertama tahun ini sudah berlalu. Have I progressed? I'm not sure. But has the team? Definitely.

We're going to run as fast as we could. So we could work on the dreams that were supposed to materialise years ago.

We learnt our lesson, and it's time to speed up.

One Hundred Fifty Seven

Tahun 2016 tahun belajar.

Tahun 2017 tahun bertindak.

Doakan.