One Hundred Eighteen

I normally plan my work days (or weeks, depends) ahead. I would still make time to comply with invitations until they no longer feel like breaks for me, rather social obligations.

I basically work 7 days a week, almost 12 hours a day. Although most times people think I am just playing around with fondant, or concentrating on social media (updating posts or doing marketing), or sitting around doing nothing. Well, I may be literally sitting around but you don't want to see what's lingering in my head.

I even (starting to) have trouble sleeping for overthinking. Sometimes ideas come even during sleep. I'm amazed!

Taking a 5 minute meal break feels like a crime to my work.

And I envy my friends who have time going for Zumba. Not that I fancy zumba (or piloxing - a combination of pilates, boxing and dancing... yeah, wow!) so much, I just need to do justice to my ever expanding body. I think according to my BMI, I am now categorised as overweight. I think.

I gained around 7 - 10 kgs from the day I got married. I can no longer fit in my wedding kurung! It was not even that fit! Urgh. And now I'm having a self-esteem issue.

The lakeside I normally jog in the morning is now closed for construction.

And it's almost 1.30 a.m. yet I am still ranting though knowing I need to go to work at 8.30 a.m.

Eleh macamlah awal sangat bertolak 8.30 pagi but hey I still need to lipat baju before going.

I am not complaining (though I actually, really really really sounded like I am). I'm just sharing (LOL).

Oh oh I need to edit cake photos now. Till then.

One Hundred Seventeen

I was in the car alone with Hayl and he was at the back seat.

"Who's going to sit next to you on the front seat?"

"No one. Come and sit beside me."

He jumped off to the front and sat on the co-driver seat.

Then he looked at the back, puzzled.

"Who's going to sit at the back?"

-,-"

One Hundred Sixteen

The surrounding gives a calming effect.

Everything is just perfect.

Except for the smell, which can be quite a turn off.

One Hundred Fifteen

These past two weeks have been chaotic and since I previously thought I never had to work a day in my life anymore, I get to experience it this couple of weeks.

Waking up early to reach the workplace and facing the congestion on our way back home,

Good experience. But if I were given the chance to repeat... not again.

One Hundred Fourteen

Most writings are based on personal encounters. That's how the word 'point of view' comes into picture.

Some people don't get it. They condemn because they have a different perspective. And that's how people become judgmental.

I am trying my hardest to be open to criticisms and accept them positively. Trying to tell myself they interpret the message differently hence the comments.

Well these days every one wants to say something on everything. Everyone wants to be famous. Wants to be the first to relay an information.

I just want to be happy.

Because today marks the second year I married the man of my dreams.

Even though he's out playing futsal. On our anniversary. Yeah.

One Hundred Thirteen

I personally think what predominantly dictates someone's behaviour is the culture he is brought up with. I couldn't find any other accurate term besides 'culture'.

So I was taught not to answer 'Aaa' when my name is being called, instead, respond 'Yes'.

I was taught to invite others to join me eat at the dining table if he or she happens to pass by the dining room.

I was taught to bend when passing through someone who is more elderly (and I believe many parents inculcate the same culture).

I was taught to give salam to the teachers I bump into.

I was brought up in a school culture where I had to call every female senior 'kak' even she is, for a fact, 3 months older than me (if I was born in February 2000 and Kak 'X' was born in December 1999 I am still obliged to call her 'kak')

I was taught to send my guests off to the gate and only get inside the house when they leave.

I still until the moment I write this, practise whatever culture I have listed above. These are some obvious ones. There are many I couldn't think of but somehow give impact to our grown up lives.

p/s: I'm used to serve my guests with a tray even if it's just a glass of plain water. Thanks mommy for all this.

One Hundred Twelve

One of his expensive pens broke. It's not like he couldn't write with it at all - the clip was detached from the cap.

"I don't want this pen anymore. I need to buy a new one."

"But you can still use it."

"But I don't like my things imperfect."

I kept myself silent.

"That's why I like you. You're so perfect to me."

K.

One Hundred Eleven

There were the two menantu working out a proper dish in the kitchen yesterday - both had no idea what and how to cook.

One decided to make asam pedas. The other agreed to the idea.

"Guna ikan apa nak buat asam pedas?"

"Ikan yang tengah defrost tu. Kita tak kenal tu ikan apa."

"Kita pun tak kenal tu ikan apa. Bedallah."

They went on cooking.

"Kakja, mana daun kesum eh?"

The other shrugged her shoulder. Both then stared at the maid, feeling hopeful, only to be disappointed later.

"Kita rasa yang rupa macam daun kari tu." The much elder menantu searched for daun kesum in the fridge, and when she found something that she thought might be it, they both smelt it and grinned.

"Haaa! Betullah ni daun kesum!"

Alhamdulillah we, eh, I mean, they survived cooking asam pedas. It tasted great in fact.

One Hundred Ten

Jealousy; based on my personal interpretation is wanting something that's not yours. 

You saw your friend having a good looking partner, and you wish you had one.

You saw a rival launching his new branch, and you wish you had one. 

There's a pretty thick line between jealousy and irksomeness.

The latter doesn't in any way involve any desire.

So more often than not, I always get my motivation through jealousy. And I work hard to earn what I wish to have. 

One Hundred Nine

One Hundred Eight

Despite looking adamant on the outside, I have always had this soft spots for people - especially those coming with Puss in Boots eyes and heart-rending stories. Because of this, I always give in. Almost all the time.

But come to think again - these people never pitied me. Not even considering if it's the most reasonable thing to ask for. Yet they expect I understand them and fulfill their demand. They would do anything to get their way. Even if it's midnight, or eid, or the most inappropriate time to talk to.

So I finally decided that I no longer take some sappy stories of some inconsiderate bunch. They are just making me stronger.

One Hundred Seven

I'm a sucker for beautiful words. And I recently noticed that the husband has a flair in sweet talking. When commented on this, he responded, "Memanglah... kalau tak mana abang boleh dapat awak..."

And no. I don't call him 'abang'.

One Hundred Six

I'm supposed to be taking my bath and go to bed now but I suddenly feel like talking to someone. Since tomorrow's a working day (the last one before everyone is off for their raya break), I don't wish to disturb anyone.

You always had something to say in the midst of a hectic week. Possibly  because the brain's been working continuously I hardly stops even for a quick nap.

If I didn't get up from my bed in the next 30 seconds I'd be waking up in the same smelly shirt and oily face tomorrow morning.

Till then. Toodles.

One Hundred Five

I'm breathing the air of September. The wind of change is gusting.

In the past month I have learnt a lot. Funnily I actually discovered a lot of things through relationships. I learnt that even your closest allies could betray you in the subtlest way they don't even realise. I learnt that you can't count on those you thought would stand by you in your stormy days.

I learnt a lot from these people and they don't even notice. I've learnt and would grow stronger.

I admit life is hard, especially these days. I needn't start on what's going on in the country at the moment. Probably if someone asks me on this in the years to follow, I might as well tell him to google "Malaysia in 2015".

Yes, life is hard and men are becoming ever so ruthless to save their own arses. Lies become necessary. Backstabbing is normal.

But it does hurt. Especially when you're stabbed from the front from your most trusted ally.

But hey. If it bleeds then it shall stop. I will stop it with my own bare hands.

I'm breathing the air of September. The wind of change is gusting.

One Hundred Four

I am currently down with flu. And mild coughing. And sore throat.

And an away husband.

One Hundred Three

I had my edamame today!

All thanks to Sushi King!

One Hundred Two

I am a fan of Edamame* and my easiest access to it is by going to Sushi King (or any sushi shop for that matter).

The other day (and I meant monthsss back) Nani texted me with an excitement extraordinaire asking me if I want raw Edamame sold at Isetan's wet market as they were having some sort of Japanese fair. I said yes without any hesitation.

During my following visits to Isetan, I would return home in disappointment knowing Edamame wasn't at the vegetable rack.

So I was determined enough to google where to get raw edamame in KL and thank goodness the search brought me to Ben's Independent Store.

I am sooo going to Publika anytime this week. Afterall I have an unfinished business in Jalan Duta. They better don't upset me this time.

Horay!



*Edamame /ˌɛdəˈmɑːmeɪ/ or edamame bean is a preparation of immature soybeans in the pod, found in the cuisine of China, Japan, Korea and Hawaii. The pods are boiled or steamed and served with salt

One Hundred One

I am a die hard fan of pulasan. I can finish a 2kg pulasan in half an hour.

When going out for lunch just now, in the car, Sapek suddenly asked, "Jaja nak pulasan tak? Pokok pulasan kat rumah staff kita tengah berbuah. Nanti kita belikan sebakul."

I nodded and thanked him for his thoughtfulness. And he continued, "Nampak tak betapa dalamnya cinta kita pada Jaja?"

I turned my body facing him now, and grinned and asked, "Boleh tak every time kita basuhkan baju awak, kita tanya soalan tu?"

"Okay! Okay! Bisinglah Jaja."

LOL.

One Hundred

We were in Kota Bahru for a dear friend's wedding last week and wajik was served.

In front of everyone including mom, Cik Nah, my brother and my other collaegues, the husband be like,

"La... ini ke wajik? Yang macam lagu 'wajik dan dodol' (Refering to Anuar & Elina Hari Raya song) tu?"

Everyone burst into laughter. And he blushed.

Last night he recalled the incident.

"Malu betul kita pasal kes wajik haritu. Habis tercalar imej kita sebagai seorang yang knowledgable," he recollected.

I almost choked hearing him proclaiming to be knowledgable. It had always been "handsome" all this while.

Cute.

Ninety Nine

I was normally pretty excited to start working even after a long holiday. This time was different. Even when I was due to check e-mails and replenish the stock, I still dreaded to wake up.

This was one of the most fun Eid celebration I had. Probably because we had it differently. Fun, but tiring. Very tiring. Sakit badan.

Here are some raya photos. Lama dah tak upload gambar banyak-banyak kat sini.

Ninety Eight

SRIKANDI HATIKU

Santun bicaranya
Molek senyumnya
Sopan setiap derap langkah
Lembut segenap wajah

Wahai sri kandi hatiku,
Di sebalik keindahan rautmu
Dan kerendahan dirimu
Seorang pejuang hidup yang tabah
Yang gagah
Meniti masa gelap dan cerah

Walau jauh dudukmu
Sang permaisuriku,
Ketahuilah - singgahsanamu telah kupahat utuh di sanubariku

Bagi setiap palit luka
Dan bahasa yang mengguris jiwa
Aku pohon keampunan
Dan kutitip doa harapan
Agar kau penuh sejahtera

Sri kandiku, ibuku,
Tiada galang ganti
Sentiasalah mekar dengan senyuman
Moga dilimpahi rahmat Ilahi
Setiap nafasmu dan seluruh hidupmu

Selamat ulang tahun, mama

Ninety Seven

I was waiting for the items I bought at the supermarket to be scanned and checked out until I saw him. He was in his everyday blue uniform, holding a sweeper in his left hand and something else he picked up from the floor on the right hand.

My eyes were glued on him.

He came closer to the counter I was at... and he dropped the coin he collected into the donation box.

Subhanallah.

He. A cleaner. Probably a Nepalese. Who earns most probably lesser than a thousand ringgit. Could've kept the money to himself. But chose not to instead.

Masya Allah.

I was in awe. May Allah bless him with a greater reward for his kindness.

Ninety Six

Yesterday we both went (for the third time) to the newly opened outlet near the airport for some hari raya shopping. We went back empty handed nevertheless.

In an outlet selling jeans, I was traumatised with the fact that I'm putting on weight and would not fit in my usual size. But he insisted that I tried a pair. So I asked for a size twice bigger than my current one...

...and it was large! I could put my two hands in the pants! Then I tried a smaller size (but a size bigger than my current one)...

...it was still bigger!

Alhamdulillah. I'm still the same... physically speaking. Hehe.

Ninety Five

It's the first morning of Ramadhan and I'm still adjusting myself to suhoor. And its aftermath. And my sleepyhead.

I have made it a point not to return to bed after suhoor. I have never had a proper suhoor since school. I woke up to a plain water next to me, took a sip, and went back sleeping.

When you get married it's a different story, especially when the husband insists on waking up for suhoor. He couldn't stand a day of fasting without taking a meal prior to it. And here I am wide awake at this hour writing this to combat my sleepiness.

So last year when I began my (actual) suhoor routine I pursued sleeping after subh prayers - for the sake of replacing my sleeping hours. Long story short, I gained weight even in Ramadhan! Hence, this new Ramadhan resolution of mine. No more tiduring after eating.

I have tonnes of work to do but I'm not sure if my brain is fit enough to carry on working. I can do this. May be I'll start with a short nap. Maybe not.

I am strong enough to win this battle. This is only the first day........

Ninety Four

I fell asleep next to my husband when he was online on his iPad - his nightly routine.

And all I can recall this morning was his voice deliberately reading something out loud so that I could hear from the previous night. For goodness' sake I was already asleep! I know most people who are close to me know I'd get really irritated people trying to wake me up when my brainwaves are approaching their lowest frequency.

Anyhow, it was something along this line - "When a man annoys a woman, that means he really cares for her. A woman should start worrying when the man stops annoying her."

Tidur-tidur pun gua boleh recall. I will ask him for the full statement later - when he's awake. I'm THAT nice not to kacau people when they're sleeping.

Ninety Three

So, the husband and I are not the kind of people who take photos during a vacation, especially when there are only the two of us. We find it hassle to ask for a random people on street to help snapping photos and, I (and I think he is, too) am really against holding a long stick you call monopod.

That leaves us with very limited holiday photos upon reaching home. Our 4-day-Bandung trip was summarised in 5 photos altogether. Speaking of that, there were only 4 photos that can be actually regarded as real photos taken during our Perhentian trip.

I sometimes wonder, do we regret not having the desire to pose around at all monuments later post-holiday? But I guess we don't. We returned home, talked about the experience, what we actually encountered, whom we met, and all are captured in the memories.

But I'd sure to love it more if we actually enjoy taking photos, so in case if we return to the same place some day, we can always remake another pose at the same spot again.

Ninety Two

Ninety One

I write best when I'm sorrowed. And I guess I probably am now. Blame is all on The Fault of Our Stars.

Spent the whole morning watching the movie, and it actually gives a different perspective on life.

At the age of 18 all we all look forward to are graduations, weddings, more birthday parties. And Augustus had his funeral and eulogy planned.

Syafiq was all I had in mind throughout the movie. Augustus is a sweet, cheeky and playful as Syafiq. And very courageous too. 

I can't imagine not having him even for a second in my life. Every second is worse than the other.

I love great movies that let the audience think, or re-think. And be thankful of what we have.

Ninety

The Invisible and the Price of a Smile

Without flashy clothes, these people put on their boring uniform performing their daily mundane routines.

Some clean the floor, or the toilet, or greet you at the mall, or looking after the cars we park at the basement.

These people, they must probably be earning an average of RM700 monthly. Some of them can't even afford to rent a room, they are the homeless you feed at night. They shower at the nearest mosques or gas station.

What do they expect from us? None. What do they expect, generally? Survivorhood.

The invisibles aren't asking a penny from you. Nor do they expect a Hello from you.

Being the 'luckier' or I shall say, the 'more privileged' ones, how hard it is to make someone's day by throwing a sincere smile. Afterall, since we might not be able to understand their struggles, we might as well acknowledge their existence through a smile.

It could provide them a sense of belonging to the society.

Eighty Nine

You can't control what happens around you. But you can definitely control how to react to it.

There's always a choice. Even if all lead to a dead end. There's always a choice.

I? I choose the one that gives me serenity.

Eighty Eight

Kadang-kala lupa untuk bersyukur atas nikmat yang paling asas.

Ketenangan.

Bila hati hilang rasa tenang, bila hidup hilang arah; kembali. 

Kembali pada fitrah untuk ketenangan itu.

Eighty Seven

You made this choice, but you dare complain.

You opted for the post-graduate studies, and you dread to write dissertation.

You made this choice, but you still ramble.

You had long wanted to go abroad, and you keep talking about home.

You made this choice, but you never stop sighing.


This life is full of choices. Stop complaining.

Eighty Six

When I was about 12, I had a cousin (I mean she still is my cousin) who had this boyfriend (now husband) who was a Manchester United die-hard fan.

I was giver (still am but not as much as before) that I loved buying things for other people using the allowance daddy had given to me.

So there was this one evening when we had some campaign running on behind my house (it was for DSAI's dismissal as the TPM... something to do with Reformasi) and there were like hundreds of stalls selling variety of stuff.

This one stall was selling metal badges including football teams'. Me, being thoughtful me, intended to purchase something for the M.U. fan. So I went looking around and I picked a red coloured badge.

Upon meeting him I handed over the badge to him. He shrieked, "Ini Liverpool. Bukan Man Utd!"

I was in awe. What difference does it make? They were both red and both are related to football.

LOL. The badge is still somewhere in my house today.

Eighty Five

I wonder why some people dread working when it is something that actually gives me fulfillment. Most probably people desire differently - which reminds me of a poem I learnt in the high school - about a man who retires early to live in an island and where his savings would finish when he was 60.

Sitting leisurely doing nothing isn't the kind of life that I look forward to. I love hectic lifestyle. I love dwelling in work, meeting deadline, having the adrenaline rush and tense of completing an assignment. Fulfilling.

Like today. I think I deserve a one day break of my super duper busy week of the past. But then I still have to clean the floor and do some ironing.

Let's just see where today goes later.

Eighty Four

I'm on a tight schedule, but it's really refreshing to start early, knowing you have a little time of your own. 

That sort of gives you the momentum to kick start the day. 

I like today. So far.

And it's only 7.39 a.m.

Eighty Three

Turbulent is what I can describe us for the past weeks. He consoled me by saying it's normal to have ups and downs in a relationship. There was a point where I could no longer tolerate marriage but he stood still, proving to me; this, us, could work.

 No matter how ugly things became, no matter how angry I was at him, there is an undefined feeling engulfing me.

 And the moment I thought I'd decided to walk this path separately, I suddenly doubted my choice;

 this man is not perfect, and neither am I. We might not as well be perfect for each other. But the love we have is so strong I can't imagine breathing a second without him.

 As for now, I'll make sure we'll work things out together. It's not easy, but a smooth tide doesn't make a skillful sailor they say.

 Doakan kami, insya Allah.

Eighty Two

Serenity is something I long for and it has been quite some times since I enjoy such feeling.

Eighty One

Moi: I love breakfast meals. I can have them all day long. Why don't they serve breakfast atall times?

Syafiq: Because, breakfast is special.

Eighty

If you can't put a smile on one's face.

Don't dare making one upset.

Seventy Nine

Rereading the entries in the old Ixarism makes me wonder, where did I get such inspiration to write without stop.

Look at the poems. The essays. The photos. How did I become so motivated to update everything there.

Probably there was no Twitter. Or Instagram. Or Facebook. 

Or probably it was easier to write in despair. Or in confusion.

Seventy Eight

Sudah jatuh ditimpa tangga.

Peringatan Allah supaya mendekatkan hati padaNya; dan membersihkan sedikit harta.

Ujian itukan kifarah dosa.

Seventy Seven

Things you'll find in my handbag:

1. Lip balm

2. Businesscard case

3. Mint sweets

4. Planner

5. My wallet

6. Sapek's wallet

7. Office keys

8. Sapek's keys

9. My phone

10. Sapek's phones

Seventy Six

Bila rasa nak menulis dan ilham melimpah ruah, masa tu lah paling banyak kerja.

Sekarang bila perlu mengarang kertas kerja, masa ni lah paling malas nak menulis (kertas kerja) tapi boleh pula menulis di sini.

Manusia sebenarnya tak tahu apa yang mereka mahukan, kan?

Seventy Five

Last year at this very hour we had our honeymoon in the furthest east. And we honestly looked forward to another honeymoon at the same time this year.

And Allah the Almighty granted what we had wished for - i.e., more quality time together.

Now we both are alone together, at a hospital room in our hometown, waiting for the husband's surgery in a few minutes time.

It is a minor procedure, but it is also our first encounter. It feels strange. And I believe this makes us closer.

Who says we need a beach for a honeymoon. At least we've shared the single hospital bed for a couple of nights already.

Alhamdulillah.

Seventy Four

I particularly love good news. Even if I wasn't getting any, or if I were to hear a devastating ones, I'd trade all with good news.

 So your fiance called off the engagement, or your partner left you for someone else.

 Allah didn't want you to end up in a broken marriage. Not just yet.

 So it's been a year plus since you were married and not a sign of a baby yet.

 Allah wants you to fix your relationship with Him and enjoy your prolonged honeymoon.

 So you lost someone you loved dearly in a tragedy.

 They are probably in a better place, and that Allah wants you to toughen up by reminding you that He's the sole entity for us to rely upon.

 So you've put on weight.

 You might save up some money from feeding your craves at expensive desserts parlour.

 So your business hasn't really blossomed after so long.

 Allah wants you to meet more people and dig more knowledge.

 There are so many things to be grateful for.

 And the saying "There's a silver lining in every cloud" never gets old.