One Hundred Fifty Six

We fought a lot at the beginning of the married life. Even over the pettiest thing. Like throwing rubbish. And they weren't small fights where one of us would sulk and the other would console. No. We fought hard.

I still remember when the in laws had to intervene because we went overboard. The father-in-law told me to remain in silence when the spouse is raging. Even if we know for sure we're on the right side. He later added, something straightforward but left an impact in me, "You should be grateful you have the luxury to fight over these matters. Imagine your brothers and sisters whose countries are in war; all they could afford to think of is on how to survive on daily basis. So be grateful. Stop fighting over things like this."

I snapped. It has never crossed my mind that fighting with your loved ones is also a luxury not everyone has. Now I know how to appreciate the love we have for each other better.

One Hundred Fifty Five

Hari Kepergian

 Sekujur tubuh kaku
Berpuluh wajah terpaku
Berkongsi rasa syahdu
Dalam acara penuh sendu

 Aku memerhati setiap tamu
Wajah-wajah yang membisu
Menganggar apa yang membelengu
Dalam benak beku


 Aruzahazzi
220911
Kuala Lumpur

I think I wrote this 5 years ago describing what I observed & felt during a close friend cum neighbour's funeral

One Hundred Fifty Four (On Thirtieth November)

L is for they way you look at me

One Hundred Fifty Three

I wish there's some kinda technology which connect my brain to the blog. So when ideas come flooding my brain it would automatically update here.

One Hundred Fifty Two

I do second guess my own decision sometimes especially during tough times like this.

But as I took my morning stroll just now, and saw people rushing for work when I had the luxury of time, I reminded myself that tough times don't last, tough people do.

I need to multiply the effort, and persevere.

One Hundred Fifty One

She pulled him nearer, staring into his eyes and whispered,

"Do I look like I f__ing care?"

She released his collar. Gently.

One Hundred Fifty

Have you ever been reminded of something you already know, something you've held on to - but it still struck you?

I have.

Though the reminder wasn't really directed to me; sharing table with the discussed parties, I was made dumbfounded.

Someone reminded us that rezeki comes from Allah and it's Him whom we should be asking for more. Not the vendor. Not the back debtors.

I mean, I know the person meant after chasing these people, we must return to Allah and put our ultimate reliance on Him.

I... almost forgot that part. I know I always tell myself every rezeki comes from Allah but this time our efforts didn't seem to sync with our belief.

Sometimes rezeki does not only come in form of money (nor job). Today it came in form of a valuable lesson.

One Hundred Forty Nine

This morning, Syafiq came close to me, and said something very romantic. He was almost whispering.

"Baca sajak ke?" I asked. Knowing from the beginning it was actually a song.

He was taken aback and retracted, "Kuasamlah Jaja ni! Tahulah suara kita tak sedap."

I burst into laughter. He further said, half merajuk, "Kita ni asyik dikelilingi orang yang suka bahan kita je."

One Hundred Twenty Eight

I've been given a luxury of time hence there was a lot of time spent on thinking of things that may seem nonsensical to others.

I blurted out a question to my darling husband on our way to his football match last night.

"What do you want people to associate you with?"

"A successful business."

I nodded silently. Smiled, impressed.

"Okay name three. Two more, please."

"Hmm... being helpful." Oh yes. He is really helpful. Very helpful to the effect that he'd abandon me in the middle of the night to help his friends out. I nodded again.

"Last one?"

"Husajdhasj ijahhadsnazura." The sound of a superbike engine interrupted so I couldn't hear properly. But I knew he was also mumbling."

"Come again?"

"Husband Ijah Ajura."

Hehehehehe.

One Hundred Forty Seven

I realise that people left for various reasons. For knowledge and experience, for a greener pastures, better opportunities, heart mending and the list goes on.

I realise that people left and it's entirely natural to do so.

This piece of writing is a dedication for a little sister I've known for a long time. We may stay apart but you are always close to my heart.

Here's a short poem for you who's leaving (again) today...

Why do people have to leave

When smiles exchanged
When strings attached
When love blossomed

Why do people have to leave...

One Hundred Forty Six

Feeling a bit mellow today. Something I haven't got to feel for quite some times. Accompanied by an interesting book, silence and a little bit of boredom.

It's post Aidiladha today and half of me wants to drag me to stroll at a mall while the other half is asking for my mercy to take a nap.

It's also post birthday celebration and I'm feeling loved.

Also struggling lately especially with my worsening skin condition. It gets very itchy sometimes and acne has become a real problem to me now. Even girlfriend is surprised someone our age (well that's me) could be suffering from this, which sounds pretty impossible to us.

That's some updates. I'm giving in to evening nap finally.

One Hundred Forty Five

Syafiq has picked up a new hobby since end of last year. Knowing him so well, I knew it's a matter of time for him to switch hobby. But this new one was something I never anticipated at all.

FISHING.

My impatient, hot headed, and hyperactive husband now loves fishing. And he has like 3840932809 rods, baits, and other tools/equipment/gadget I don't know what to call.

He's gone on fishing trips countless times. He spent (invested) a lot of money on fishing. But what (my family and) I like about his new hobby is that we get to cook the fish he brings back each time. (Well not to say that he manages to catch a fish eeeverytime he goes fishing, but when does, he would bring them/it home).

So I was cooking at the kitchen with Bibik just now. Ikan masak merah. Bibik was asking, "Ikan apa itu Ja?" Frankly speaking, I only know ikan bawal and pari and keli because of their distinctive shapes. I know nothing of other ikan. For real. So I answered, "Saya tak kenal ikanlah, bik."

She laughed her heart out and said, "Suaminya tukang mancing, bininya tak kenal ikan..."

Well, thanks bibik for pointing that out.


And thanks Syafiq for making me look even worse now. -,-"

One Hundred Forty Four

I started to wear glasses when I was 14. Power was less than 100 but since I was A VERY HARDWORKING STUDENT (at that time), studying was difficult because of my poor eyesight.

And because of my (and dad's) poor choice of glasses, I stopped wearing it considering how ugly I looked with four eyes.

But the sight became poorer over time, so dad took me to the optometrist once again for an eye-check up and I got my brand new spectacles - which I think suited me better. I was 17 at that time.

Since then I never took off my glasses.

Do you know that wearing glasses make your look sepet-er once you take them off? It doesn't help when you already look half-Chinese like myself.

Anyhow, I never had any problem wearing glasses. Some people trying to persuade me to do lasic operation or wear lenses. Well in certain occasions I do get myself in trouble to put on the lenses (took me almost an hour to put on ONE EYE - I cried every time!) like during my wedding, or when I'm so rajin to go swimming or whatnot. Got myself the daily packs and since both of my eyes don't share the same power, I basically have 30 pairs of daily contact lenses and it took me 2 years to finish the first 30 pairs.

Okay so yes, I never had any problem wearing glasses. Except when they gone missing or broken. I never realise the perks of being short-sighted until last Ramadhan.

I was performing tarawih prayers at the mosque, and as a precaution I stuck my glasses at the back of my head where you tie you telekung. Can you imagine or not? But they kept moving and I lost focus each time. I couldn't afford to put the glasses on the floor as the kids kept running back and forth to their mom who, co-incidently was praying next to me. Consequently I wore the glasses for the first time for prayers. God knows how easily distracted I was when I have perfect eye-sight during prayers. I always made sure I prayed at the very front row - but it wasn't helping since I could see people passing by and kids running around.

For the first time in my life, I was very, truly, entirely grateful for being rabun when perfoming solah. Not that I'm saying I was khusyuk all this while, but being rabun helps, really. I am grateful to the fact that I am not able to see what's going on before me when I was praying in the middle of a room. Even when Syafiq purposely smiles cheekily next to the sejadah just to disturb me I am able to stay put to continue my prayers.

Alhamdulillah for this nikmah You took away from me oh Allah the most Knowing, the most Wise.

One Hundred Forty Three

Dalam usaha membandingkan bahagia dan gembira.

Bahagiakah kita jika gembira?

Gembirakah kita jika bahagia?

Apakah gembira yang kita cari?

Atau bahagia?

One Hundred Forty Two

Sometimes we stop sharing for the reactions we get.

One Hundred Forty One

I'm still puzzled with the missing of One Hundred Thirty Three.

Anyhow, a couple of days ago, the wing lady was so occupied with work she got so stressed and confused. There was a matter she seemed not able to work out, so she asked me.

I quickly came to a solution and she was very happy. She looked relieved.

"I'm so a genius," I proclaimed.

"That's why you're the boss."

One Hundred Forty

I notice that I talk a lot about feelings here. I mean, I love to describe what I feel in the situations I'm in.

And yesterday I had a mixed feeling. A bit anxious, happy, and mostly... (not for the lack of English word, but to express it more precisely) terharu.

This is another phase I have yet to embarked in life. This is no longer a game where I could return to the starting point in case I lose. This is for real.

So we started to dig for our wedding gifts... and masya Allah I was so pleasantly surprise to learn that we actually need not buy anything new at all! Well except for the furniture lah because who would want to buy you a RM2,000 sofa unless we're some kinda elite.

I mean, we did open these presents after the wedding some dinosaur years ago but most probably because we thought we did not need them (at that time), we kept them aside. Until yesterday!

I was only planning to carry one or two items but look at that... we had a car full of stuff! Belum termasuk yang dekat belakang Hilux lagi. Oh wow. I was so overwhelmed. And grateful. And I felt guilty for not having to return the same favour to some people who gave us these wonderful presents. Some of which we missed their weddings... and some we never managed to properly thank.

I shared my excitement with the ladies in the Whatsapp group... which led to a confession by M. She said she never got me any presents for the fear I might not like them and apologised. I felt bad. Not that I expected anything from her. It's just that she was so sweet and thoughtful.

To be honest I love receiving things I can use. Things that are practical. Things I can wear. Things I can cook with. I told my girlfriends I even appreciate my car being refueled or my T&G card being topped up. LOL. That's how I define practical.

Anyhow I'm not sure if this blog is still relevant to any of you. But in case you came (or didn't) to my wedding and brought me presents, I just want you to know how much I appreciate every single one of them. Now my mom's hall upstairs has been cleared up, it's time to unload these things at our new abode.

One Hundred Thirty Nine

Have I accidentally deleted One Hundred Thirty Three?

Or has it never even existed?

One Hundred Thirty Eight

I'm walking away.

One Hundred Thirty Seven

Sometimes I miss blogging actively for through this I was able to track down important events in my life.

One Hundred Thirty Six

Of Pink


There was this one gathering of girls when we had to share an unknown fact about ourselves. When it was my turn, I disclosed, "I love pink."

Every other girl was shocked. A friend exclaimed, "You don't look like someone who does pink!"
Errrr... what is that even suppose to mean?

Calmly, I responded, "Well, urm, I may not wear a lot of pink, but my other stuff including water bottle, socks, towel, bags, (and I listed almost everything I had that's pink) and even my room is painted pink!"

We then turned to the next person but everyone still looked astounded.

Anyhow I recently knew someone who happened to know how much do I love pink.

We were in a jewellery store buying charms for my bracelet (it was a starter set) and when the employee asked on any particular colour of preference, to my utmost surprise, this person immediately answered, "Pink," without even glancing at me for verification.

I understand as a husband he is supposed to know my favourite colour and all but his confidence really made my day (despite the fact I got myself a brand new bracelet heeeee). I love the fact he knows so much about me and loves me the way I'm comfy with. Even though most times he'd dictate my life the way he wants it to be.

Anyhow I've now added more pink items to my collection and I'm so very happy about it.

One Hundred Thirty Five

I think I can read people well, particularly those around me. I can tell if they're annoyed, interested and where they put their priorities at.

Well, working with me can be so much fun. But I like to put pressure on people - only because my expectations are high. I can be pretty ambitious, but very realistic at the same time. I am a risk taker but of course I only take the calculated ones.

If you are keen on challenges (and challenging yourself), and if you enjoy being workaholic and roller coaster rides, you must find working with me fun.

One Hundred Thirty Four

It's a mixed feeling.

True I can't wait to be back home to see those familiar faces and kick some ass, but I'd sorely miss this place and its memories.

It has been a splendid fortnight. I have surpassed my own comfort zone to make it a fulfilling trip. Learnt a lot of new things too. Got to know the partner better (of his worse mostly LOL).

Invested a lot for this; be it time, energy and money. And speaking of money, it only makes me more excited to be home and earn more.

Thank you Allah for the opportunity. Thank you husband for the patience to put up with me. Thank you the family and friends for the support and to cover my work when I was away.

I have a lot of thanking to do.

One Hundred Thirty Two

For some reason I was really mad at my husband last night. Of course he didn't know it as I always kept myself at silence each time I'm in rage.

This morning I thought of confronting him but since he was still fast asleep and I needed to rush to work, I sent him a text telling how upset I was.

His phone was charging in the other room. I went to bath and immediately as I finished showering, I took his phone and deleted my message.

I had forgotten something very important. Something I've held on to for years --- always understand what it's like being in someone's shoes before telling them off.

And before I left, I kissed him goodbye (he was still snuggling his favourite bantal peluk) and asked nicely... and he explained... and I understood the reason he took the measure.

Today I relearnt a lesson. Mind over matter. Anger, sadness, joy, excitement, fear - even can't be overcome - can always be controlled. Never let our emotions take charge of our actions.

One Hundred Thirty One

I was trying to get on my feet when I probably twisted my waist yesterday noon. Was in so much pain the whole day yesterday but I had to follow the husband out nevertheless.

I barely stood up straight let alone walked. But I braved myself anyway. I had a difficult time lying down straight as well. 

On our way back home, a thought kept coming across my mind. Imagine not being able to walk properly my whole life. I've be taking my ability to move around freely for granted all this while. Allah's been blessing me with a pair of perfectly healthy limbs so I could work and wander on His earth at my own liberty.

So after applying some cream last night and sleeping on back with my legs straight, I woke up with a so much reduced pain. I resumed my work at peace (and have now completed it) and I couldn't be any grateful for this nikmat again.

Alhamdulillah.

One Hundred Thirty

"You have come this far. You can't quit over something petty."

I won't, Insya Allah. I need a plan.

It's time for Plan B.

One Hundred Twenty Nine

We have a situation with a nocturnal insect in our bathroom. It has been going on for weeks now.

"Jaja, masa kita tengah dalam toilet haritu, ada lipas tengok kita mandi."

"Okay."

"Lepastu kita terus sembur dia kat penjuru dinding. Lipas tu macam tengah surf atas ombak."

"Euw."

"Tapi lepas tu kita teringat Rasulullah cakap, kalau nak bunuh haiwan, jangan guna api, jangan guna air."

"Wow, seriously? Then did you stop?"

"No."

One Hundred Twenty Eight

Macam baru semalam aku saksikan persahabatan mereka disulami dengan gelak tawa, tanpa sedikit bayangan apa yang bakal mereka tempuhi 10 tahun lagi. Macam tidak percaya 10 tahun kemudian itu dipenuhi dengan cabaran yang maha dahsyat, yang aku tidak dapat gambarkan betapa cekalnya mereka untuk menghadapinya.

Tetapi itulah lumrah. Manusia dihujani ujian yang tidak disangka-sangka. Allah yang Maha Bijaksana telah sebaik-baiknya mengatur jalan cerita setiap manusia, ujian-ujian yang perlu dilalui - dan inilah yang mendewasakan kita semua.

Melihat rakan-rakan sepermainan ditimpa pelbagai dugaan membuat kita berasa simpati, dan lebih berhati-hati dalam setiap keputusan hidup. Kita juga lebih bersyukur dan menghargai mereka yang sentiasa berada di sisi.

Macam tidak percaya lagi cabaran-cabaran getir ini sebenarnya boleh terjadi. Acapkali hanya ditonton di televisyen, hari ini ia berlaku di depan mata. Masih bersyukur lagi kerana tidak terkena batang hidung sendiri. Namun, mulut tidak boleh putus berdoa agar dilindungi rahmatNya - rahmat kesihatan, pengetahuan, harta benda, ahli keluarga, pangkat, maruah, iman dan semua jenis rahmat yang tidak tersenarai banyaknya.

Alhamdulillah, Alhamdulillah ya Allah kerana masih memeliharaku daripada segala bala bencana. Apalah segala ujian yang aku  hadapi jika mahu dibandingkan dengan individu-individu cekal yang lain. Alangkah sayangnya Allah pada mereka kerana diuij sedemikian rupa.

Semoga dengan segala dugaan yang diturunkan, terhapuslah segala dosa kecil dan besar penerimanya. Semoga dengan ujian ini, hati-hati kami semakin kukuh dengan iman kepadaMu - kerana Allah lah sebaik-baik perancang.

One Hundred Twenty Seven

Someone said I had a long, slow learning curve and that I am only catching up now - which is already a little too late for someone like me.

That sounds frustrating, but truthfully it never stops me from moving forward.

I think I am taking my whole team to the right direction now. And I believe we have got all it takes to kick some ass. It's just a matter of time.

This brick walls before us... we are taking them down.

One Hundred Twenty Six

I can be bitter. But I'd tell you upfront. Or if I don't, I won't make it an excuse to stop talking to you.

Where unlike you, who suddenly shut me out silently

Now who's got no balls?

One Hundred Twenty Five

One Hundred Twenty Four

We were talking about other married couples as I compared him with the other husbands I know of. Upon telling him how lucky I was to have a romantic and thoughtful husband, he suddenly barged in softly...

"Urm, Jaja. Kita dah lama nak tanya. Tapi takut Jaja marah."

I let him finish his words.

"Kita sebenarnya lupa tarikh anniversary kita bila."

I stared at him. He was looking more nervous.

And I burst into laughter.

One Hundred Twenty Three

Wow. Have you ever had a nightmare that came true?

I just had.

On a bright side, I will learn from my own mistakes and this just goes to show business isn't easy.

I've got to toughen up because tough times don't last. Tough people do.

One Hundred Twenty Two

Missed weddings of my good friends this weekend.

I promise I'll compensate.You have my words.

One Hundred Twenty One

The art of ignoring.

Basically this is one way to move on. To move on from criticisms, from the fact you're being stalked, or despised.

The rule is simple: Stop acknowledging it!

A lot of people, from what I observe, having a difficulty to moving on because they feed others who make them overwhelmed with hatred and low self-esteem or insecurity with unnecessary acknowledgments. They make it known to the world that it doesn't matter where in fact it does because they keep repeating it!

So please, divert your focus to something better in life. How to build your career or raise your children better. Digress digress digress! Focus on the positive things.

Eventually you will be happier - because it's all that matters.

One Hundred Twenty

I made four batches of macarons today and to my disappointment, they didn't turn up to be perfect. Some cracked, some feet didn't rise, some were sticky.

So I told my husband how upset I was and he said, "Sabarlah. Musim hujan kot."


Wow he actually did listen to me all this while. He knew exactly what to say at the correct moment.

One Hundred Nineteen

Was singing Gerua and Janam Janam all the way on my way back home an hour ago. The two songs especially the latter have been stuck in my head even before me watching Dilwale.

One achievement unlocked --- watching hindustan at the cinema with the best friend, little brother and the beloved... on the new year!

Anyway, it has been a habit that I read through (not only the plot, history, production etc) about a movie before, during or after I watch it. Going into the cinema yesterday; I have no clue whatsoever on what the movie was all about - I only went for the hype, songs, actors - a classic example of an excellent marketing.

So after the movie, as usual I read the reviews and all and I found that most IMDB users rated the movie 1/10. I was asking myself how on earth did I love the it so much when 80% of those who rated criticised it terribly.

Then while singing Janam Janam today (and watching its clip while driving, heeeee) it suddenly hit me. Besides the beautiful wardrobe, good looking actors and picturesque scenery - I love Dilwale because the love story reminded me so much of mine. How my heart was torn into pieces having had to be apart from the one I loved, telling others that I hated him while in fact I did not... not even a little.

The movie managed to touch my heart with every bit and piece of the familiar drama, though the plot as a whole was undeniably crappy and developed poorly.

Anyhow I still love the movie so much as it makes me love the beloved more and more today.