Two Hundred

 I am supposed to be going for a seminar, even dressed up in the morning, but I didn't.

I can't focus right now. I'm too overwhelmed with emotions. 

And I hate this.

One Hundred Ninety Nine

 I haven't been blogging religiously for the readers to know that I had a pet cat I loved dearly. It all started on 3rd September 2022 when my husband suddenly (yes, without prior notice, ladies and gentlemen) brought home a brown kitten who was fugly.

He was jumping around and assessing every corner of the house.

It was strange at first — having to have another creature at home who would make his appearance out of nowhere — when I was cooking, cleaning or simply doing nothing. Like his glimpse running around the house scared me most of the time.

But the feeling later developed. He became a true companion. He connected really well with us. We expressed his feelings with his annoyingly noisy meows. Whenever he finished pooping he would announce, whenever his companion (another cat we adopted to befriend him) finished pooping he would announce, whenever he woke up he would announce, whenever he wanted the door open he would announce... he was basically a communicator, well, erm, maybe a human trapped in an almost 10kg cat body.

Yes, he was that large. But a scaredy cat. Really!!! He was a cowardice. A chicken. He would hide to sounds of thunder, vacuum, grass cutting or anything noisy! He wouldn't want to leave home or he'll stick his head under my armpit outside the house. Yes, he was that coward!

He left us last Tuesday. Out of a sudden. Within about 12 hours of vomiting and lethargy — he went away peacefully in the morning of 14th July 2026 overlooking the sunrise in his favourite sleeping position. 

I woke up to his death. I thought he was just sleeping peacefully. We had already planned to bring him to the vet that morning but he left us first. It was heartbreaking.

Who would've thought the loss of a cat could leave a hole the size of a durian in our heart. The bigger the hole the heavier it gets. We cried, we mourned, we still do.

He was not just a cat. He was our child. He means the world to us. He gives meaning and reasons for us to go home every day. We talk about him almost every single time. He is a darling. 

Why did you go too soon, Change?

I hope you were just going for a long, long nap.

One Hundred Ninety Eight

 I was on Wanita Hari Ini TV3 with Cik Nah for their Mother's Day Special yesterday. Prior to that, the crew requested some photos of ours together so I had mummy gone through the photo albums for this.

Looking back at those photos, I realised how precious it is to have little pieces of time preserved. Moments that once felt ordinary — a car ride, a birthday cake, a random afternoon — suddenly become priceless when years have quietly passed.

I realised that these days, our photos mostly live in our phone galleries, and somehow, they get lost in the busyness of life. And it is somehow not cool to upload 100 photos from our recent trip or event on social media when your goal was to merely seal your memories there; so that it's easier to look back. 

Perhaps I need to make better use of this blog for documentation purposes. 

So, last month Syafiq, mummy and I went for umrah. Syafiq was really anxious about us stopping at Abu Dhabi due to the recent Iran-US war. But Alhamdulillah nothing happened and he found his peace in haramain. Unlike last year's umrah trip where we stopped in Madinah first, this year I decided that we went to Mekah first — and that turned out to be a brilliant idea. The moment I step foot outside Mekah, fever hit me (I anticipated this). So most of my time in Madinah was spent lying down in bed if not at the mosque. OK OK shopping needs a special mention too, I know, but I had no nafsu for shopping much due to my weak condition.

Before flying back home, we had another stopover... that was in Istanbul. Masya Allah Masya Allah Istanbul was magical! I've never fallen in love in a city before (I lied, I have) but Istanbul is a different kind of love. It's the kind of love that makes you look through the flight tickets once more to return to the city. It was such a beauty!

I may not be able to articulate my love for the city (partly because I have already poured my heart on Facebook) (screw you social media!), but our couple of days in the historical city did leave my heart a little fuller, softer, and strangely homesick for a place that was never home to begin with.

Now for the first time in the longest time, let me spam some photos of our recent trip.

***

OK shoot. I've tried to upload the photos for the past hour but kept failing. Will try again tomorrow (if I ingat lar).

One Hundred Ninety Seven

Ramadhan Mubarak!

It's Day-15 of fasting! When it is not fasting month, I dread fasting. But when it's Ramadan, I love it. I love fasting. I love not having to think of lunch. To burden my mind with questions like "What to eat today?" or to have my tummy hurt out of nowhere thinking it hasn't had its meal yet.

Fasting gives me peace. A peace of mind. It allows me to focus on other things. Because thinking about food is time consuming. Preparing food is even more consuming.

I remember fasting when I took my SPM and during the exam period at uni. Since I'm not one who does suhoor (well I would wake up to take a sip of water and continue sleeping), waking up that early has never been a problem for me either.  Fasting lets me zoom in on other things. So, yeah, it's cool!

I've also been committing myself to Tadarus with the ladies of Primaly. One Day One Juz. But yesterday at Day 14, we've completed 16 Juz already. Alhamdulillah. Hopefully we'll be able to khatam much early this year.

Anyhow, 15 days more before raya. We've got this!

One Hundred Ninety Six

Hey, do you know what day is today?

It's the best day of the year. It's my birthday!

Happy birthday, dear self.

May you find a way out to your self-created problems (LOL) and may Allah s.w.t. provide ease and strength in your quest to success through your businesses. Amin, insya Allah.

One Hundred Ninety Five

 I haven't been feeling very calm lately.

Maybe it's the time of the month. Maybe it has to do with the recent happenings.

I feel so much hatred in me I've been asking from Allah to grant me patience and redha. I think the worst kind of battle is battling with our own self and desire.

I've been managing my anger and hatred from the inside I'm not sure if they can be handled anymore. I'm really bad at coverups. I'm not good at pretending. 

Ya Allah,

Provide me strength and patience. Make this test something I can bear.

Amin.

One Hundred Ninety Four

 I don't know why invitations stress me out. Let's analyse.

One, because I'm a people pleaser and I feel bad turning others down.

Second, because I feel sorry if I don't fulfill their invites.

Come to think of it... why would I disappoint them? I may... but I am not that important to begin with. Also, I think people recover quickly. And they'll most likely find replacements in no time.

And I have to prioritise myself too! Sometimes I feel obliged accepting invites to the expense of my own happiness - I mean, I need time for myself and do whatever I've long planned to do. Or I simply feel the event does not benefit me in any way.

Yup, I guess now I know why. Thanks for analysing this with me.

One Hundred Nine Three

 My husband is so annoying I always feel the need of having some space when he's around.

Now that he's away I am missing him so much.

Urgh the irony.

One Hundred Ninety Two

 Is this blog entirely anonymous? 

Would people have to go in depth to identify my real identity? Or do I give away pretty easily?

I'm not sure and I'm also not sure if I care.

It's Deepavali today. Took the kids to my home last night so they could have an early morning swim today. Went back to my mom's in the afternoon with them. I'm now bored af but I have tonnes to do.

Where do I even begin?

First, my manuscript for a publisher that was due last week! Writing is a piece of cake but to start writing is so difficult!

Second, a module for a public university that's due in two weeks time. Notes, exercises and videos to make. I told Syafiq I need a couple of days on quarantine to finish this. He sounded interested to help out. We'll see how.

And many other stuffs relating to product and marketing with my business. We're aiming big. We just hired a consultant and all seems fine so far. I've got more people on the bus to help out. Because I think the idea of doing these stuffs on my own isn't prudent nor feasible anymore. Too much on my plate (or talam, as per Amal). Delegation seems to be the wisest thing to do now.

We're aiming for a million dollar revenue next. I know other people have reached this long ago. My learning curve may be way lagged behind. But I'm working hard towards that.

Insya Allah. If Allah wills it.

One Hundred Ninety One

 I think I have hand-eye coordination problem.

Never did I realise this until recently - especially after I was exposed to problems facing people with spectrum. Here are some instances showing exactly my coordination problem.

1. Mum sent me to music class as early as 9. My first few classes were the hardest. I had a hard time synchronising my right hand for the melody, my left hand for the chord and my left foot for the pedal. It came with practice, but it was definitely not something which came naturally easy to me.

2. My driving test was among the worst yet memorable experience I had in life. I took the test 3 times. It was so hard for my brain to tell my hands to do different things at the same time. Balancing the pedals were the most difficult. Having to focus on multiple things on road were much worse. But now I'm a hardcore driver alreadyyy. 

Again, it takes practice for me to get me used to doing these stuff.

3. I began to learn swimming after I got married. First with my little brothers in law. Next with Syafiq of course. He was struggling to teach me as I haven't got (even to-date) my legs and hands synchronised. 

Long story short it is hard for me to get things synchronised with not enough practice. I have to train myself hard to do things, to get to the mastery level. This speaks for everything I do in life. Can't settle for less. Must work hard to achieve things.

One Hundred Ninety

The Feeling of Evening

I love the feeling of evening I’ve had since I was a child. The anticipation which comes with it sheer excitement for my 5pm play time. And when I started schooling, I was always looking forward to my sports house practice.

Also the feeling of excitement to hear the last bell ringing, then to rush to ayah’s car or to walk home with Alia. I gushed about my club meetings in the evening, or marching training.

I have loved everything about anticipating evenings. Rain or shine evenings have always made my heart full. 

When I first met Syafiq our dates were usually in the evening. At the park we took a walk. When I began my career, evenings are the time I begin to clock in.

Evenings are beautiful, even on my bad hair days.

One Hundred Eighty Nine

 "I've never seen you show your emotions to your subordinates," he said. "I'm so sorry this happens to you."

Marriage can be pretty stressful sometimes but moments like today get me wonder what have I done to deserve someone as loving and caring like him. 

One Hundred Eighty Eight

I think it's the 30th or 31st day of Restricted Movement Order (RMO) but who's even counting?

I am supposed to do the laundry but a sudden thought dragged me here. Probably because I'm missing my mom and Cik Nah so much that I keep thinking about them. And something that Syafiq nonchalantly uttered to me a couple of months back got me wondering.

I am lucky to be brought up in a very selfless family. Mom, dad and Cik Nah always prioritise us children. They made sure they were available for every occasion. They didn't mind (or so I thought) to wait if we got carried away chatting with our friends or teachers after a competition or event. They'd wait, with patience they would.

They would never just drop us at the bus station or the airport so we could check in by ourselves. The whole troop would send us out and bid proper farewell. They made time for us. We felt (and still do) very important.

Little did I realise they were busy people. Mom worked as an AGM at an esteemed GLC. She was always busy, always on the move, always flying... but it's magical that she was always there for me. She knew all my friends and their families. My friends and their parents did too.

Dad was much more advanced. He even knew every corner at my school (given the fact he's the chairman of the PTA) and all the teachers. I didn't even know all teachers. He cared. He didn't act like he did but he genuinely cared. People were pleased with his presence. He was always concerned, very generous and always giving.

When I grew up, especially after dad left us, I suddenly wondered if my parents and Cik Nah even had 'a life' as they'd been focusing too much on us. The four of us. Then it hit me, we are their life.

They wouldn't finish the last fruit on the table because they thought we should. They would cancel, or postpone a balik kampung because one of us had a kawad kaki competition. Everyone's birthday was celebrated with grandeur and jubilation. We felt (and still do) feel important.

It was never about a single person. It's always about togetherness. Syafiq made me realised a couple of months back that I have become a lot like my parents and Cik Nah. He said, "No wonder you always put others first. You get it from them."

I was in awe. I didn't know what to say. I didn't even know I was like that.

Until I became a part of a birthday celebration of a different family where the celebrated one bought a cake written "Happy birthday to me and myself". It showed how underappreciated this person felt to the family. There was no song, no wish. It was totally different from the celebrations I had with my own family. The family members find it a torment to be there on each other's big days; graduations, weddings you name it. It's like they are forced to be present. Their togetherness was forced.

I'm grateful I was brought up in a selfless family who'd have each other's back.

One Hundred Eighty Seven

I think what makes relationship works is the fact that two people want the same thing in life. You can't be wanting to live a quiet life when your spouse wants a hectic life. You aspire the same kind of destination you would want to end up with, and you work for it.

Some people may be able to tolerate and forego their dreams for the sake of staying in the relationship, but I don't think that works for me. Thankfully Syafiq and I share the same dreams despite the many differences we have to argue about.

Love is miraculous, but it alone does not suffice. You need compatibility to live together, and not just to live together, but to live harmoniously; at peace.

One Hundred Eighty Six

All my life I am a fan of playgrounds.

Hundreds of years ago when I was 9, when playground for me was a place to play than to bringing the nephews to play nor for dating - I frequented one near my house.

There, I'd meet my friends especially Amira and Norita to play various games like galah panjang and  tag.

There was this big slide in the middle of the park where we  made it our 'fort' so that anyone hidden in the fort couldn't be tagged.

There was this one time when we got scolded by an uncle who took his small daughter aged 3 or so, "Ini kan gelongsor! Buat macam gelongsor. Jangan main-main kat sini!"

Then we stopped playing that day.

Recalling the incident, it got me thinking why would adults restrict a child's imagination? Should toys be played the way they are supposed to be played or should we let children use their imagination to explore them?

I would most definitely support giving children the freedom to go wild with their thoughts. That's how they develop their mind.

Stop restricting a child's growing mind.

One Hundred Eighty Five

Yesterday I got mad at Syafiq for no apparent reason (well, he didn't comply with one of my tiny request) and stopped talking to him. He tried his best to console me and when I've cooled down, he reminded me in his softest voice,

"I understand we can't get everything we want and sometimes we become upset. But we must not hurt others too at the same time."

I immediately apologised for saying things I shouldn't have.

One Hundred Eighty Four

So I am contesting for a poem recital competition this weekend. Hahahaha recalling my good ol' days in high school.

So I went looking for ayah's poem compilation, which was supposed to be in this one box upstairs. But I didn't manage to find it. I, however, discovered mom and dad's old birthday cards, years before I was born. Most cards were sent by mom to dad, since their engagement days to the days when she had to left dad and abanglong for London.

As compared to dad, mom doesn't really show her affection to us (dad and us). Sometimes I wonder if she loved us (of course she does, look at all the comfort the provided us with). Hence I was so surprised looking at the giant cards she used to send to ayah. I almost shed a tear reading every love message sent, but then Cik Nah came to me to help find the poem compilation.

I am still deeply affected by my discovery just now. It is really heart breaking imagining mom packing the cards, and putting them at one place. Her memories with ayah must've hurt her so much. Now I can't imagine a life without my husband. How am I going to live a minute without him by my side. Having said this, I now honestly understood how strong mama is maneuvering her present days without her lover.

We miss you, ayah. But we never miss praying for you. Al-fatihah.

p/s: I still haven't found the poem to contest. Huwaaa.

One Hundred Eighty Three

I am supposed to be finishing my book writing today. But oh well, I got distracted (as usual).

At the moment, I am still contemplating on whether or not I should blog as my professional persona so it can benefit my followers and fans (HAHAHAHA I know right). But then it is really hard to hold yourself and hide the nasty part of you when writing. I mean, I am so comfortably being myself as I write because this is how I express myself the best.

Anyhow I still, should proceed, IMO. It's a sensible option for self branding purposes. Let's just figure that out later.

Oh have I also mentioned I would've blogged more frequently if I can do it via phone? Or if my laptop doesn't require to be plugged on to use? I mean, I think a lot and would love having my thoughts transferred into writing but unfortunately I do not have the means to. And when I am available to write, I don't have the mood anymore.

My goodness I am being so complicated about writing alone.

One Hundred Eighty Two

It was an accidental meeting. Thank god for the mishap that took place the day before.

Sometimes you need a slap on your face to see the world from a different angle. You know the way out but you wished you had known the right channel. Now that you do it's time for you to set the deadline and act upon it.

It's now or never.

One Hundred Eighty One

I really don't like it when my credibility is being questioned. Just because you don't see with your bare eyes what I do doesn't mean I don't do things. In fact, I might accomplish more than half you could even achieve.

Some people's mind can't stop working. And that some people is me.

You might as well look after yourself, because you seem to be pretty unoccupied I see.