One Hundred Ninety Nine

 I haven't been blogging religiously for the readers to know that I had a pet cat I loved dearly. It all started on 3rd September 2022 when my husband suddenly (yes, without prior notice, ladies and gentlemen) brought home a brown kitten who was fugly.

He was jumping around and assessing every corner of the house.

It was strange at first — having to have another creature at home who would make his appearance out of nowhere — when I was cooking, cleaning or simply doing nothing. Like his glimpse running around the house scared me most of the time.

But the feeling later developed. He became a true companion. He connected really well with us. We expressed his feelings with his annoyingly noisy meows. Whenever he finished pooping he would announce, whenever his companion (another cat we adopted to befriend him) finished pooping he would announce, whenever he woke up he would announce, whenever he wanted the door open he would announce... he was basically a communicator, well, erm, maybe a human trapped in an almost 10kg cat body.

Yes, he was that large. But a scaredy cat. Really!!! He was a cowardice. A chicken. He would hide to sounds of thunder, vacuum, grass cutting or anything noisy! He wouldn't want to leave home or he'll stick his head under my armpit outside the house. Yes, he was that coward!

He left us last Tuesday. Out of a sudden. Within about 12 hours of vomiting and lethargy — he went away peacefully in the morning of 14th July 2026 overlooking the sunrise in his favourite sleeping position. 

I woke up to his death. I thought he was just sleeping peacefully. We had already planned to bring him to the vet that morning but he left us first. It was heartbreaking.

Who would've thought the loss of a cat could leave a hole the size of a durian in our heart. The bigger the hole the heavier it gets. We cried, we mourned, we still do.

He was not just a cat. He was our child. He means the world to us. He gives meaning and reasons for us to go home every day. We talk about him almost every single time. He is a darling. 

Why did you go too soon, Change?

I hope you were just going for a long, long nap.

One Hundred Ninety Eight

 I was on Wanita Hari Ini TV3 with Cik Nah for their Mother's Day Special yesterday. Prior to that, the crew requested some photos of ours together so I had mummy gone through the photo albums for this.

Looking back at those photos, I realised how precious it is to have little pieces of time preserved. Moments that once felt ordinary — a car ride, a birthday cake, a random afternoon — suddenly become priceless when years have quietly passed.

I realised that these days, our photos mostly live in our phone galleries, and somehow, they get lost in the busyness of life. And it is somehow not cool to upload 100 photos from our recent trip or event on social media when your goal was to merely seal your memories there; so that it's easier to look back. 

Perhaps I need to make better use of this blog for documentation purposes. 

So, last month Syafiq, mummy and I went for umrah. Syafiq was really anxious about us stopping at Abu Dhabi due to the recent Iran-US war. But Alhamdulillah nothing happened and he found his peace in haramain. Unlike last year's umrah trip where we stopped in Madinah first, this year I decided that we went to Mekah first — and that turned out to be a brilliant idea. The moment I step foot outside Mekah, fever hit me (I anticipated this). So most of my time in Madinah was spent lying down in bed if not at the mosque. OK OK shopping needs a special mention too, I know, but I had no nafsu for shopping much due to my weak condition.

Before flying back home, we had another stopover... that was in Istanbul. Masya Allah Masya Allah Istanbul was magical! I've never fallen in love in a city before (I lied, I have) but Istanbul is a different kind of love. It's the kind of love that makes you look through the flight tickets once more to return to the city. It was such a beauty!

I may not be able to articulate my love for the city (partly because I have already poured my heart on Facebook) (screw you social media!), but our couple of days in the historical city did leave my heart a little fuller, softer, and strangely homesick for a place that was never home to begin with.

Now for the first time in the longest time, let me spam some photos of our recent trip.

***

OK shoot. I've tried to upload the photos for the past hour but kept failing. Will try again tomorrow (if I ingat lar).

One Hundred Ninety Seven

Ramadhan Mubarak!

It's Day-15 of fasting! When it is not fasting month, I dread fasting. But when it's Ramadan, I love it. I love fasting. I love not having to think of lunch. To burden my mind with questions like "What to eat today?" or to have my tummy hurt out of nowhere thinking it hasn't had its meal yet.

Fasting gives me peace. A peace of mind. It allows me to focus on other things. Because thinking about food is time consuming. Preparing food is even more consuming.

I remember fasting when I took my SPM and during the exam period at uni. Since I'm not one who does suhoor (well I would wake up to take a sip of water and continue sleeping), waking up that early has never been a problem for me either.  Fasting lets me zoom in on other things. So, yeah, it's cool!

I've also been committing myself to Tadarus with the ladies of Primaly. One Day One Juz. But yesterday at Day 14, we've completed 16 Juz already. Alhamdulillah. Hopefully we'll be able to khatam much early this year.

Anyhow, 15 days more before raya. We've got this!

One Hundred Ninety Six

Hey, do you know what day is today?

It's the best day of the year. It's my birthday!

Happy birthday, dear self.

May you find a way out to your self-created problems (LOL) and may Allah s.w.t. provide ease and strength in your quest to success through your businesses. Amin, insya Allah.

One Hundred Ninety Five

 I haven't been feeling very calm lately.

Maybe it's the time of the month. Maybe it has to do with the recent happenings.

I feel so much hatred in me I've been asking from Allah to grant me patience and redha. I think the worst kind of battle is battling with our own self and desire.

I've been managing my anger and hatred from the inside I'm not sure if they can be handled anymore. I'm really bad at coverups. I'm not good at pretending. 

Ya Allah,

Provide me strength and patience. Make this test something I can bear.

Amin.

One Hundred Ninety Four

 I don't know why invitations stress me out. Let's analyse.

One, because I'm a people pleaser and I feel bad turning others down.

Second, because I feel sorry if I don't fulfill their invites.

Come to think of it... why would I disappoint them? I may... but I am not that important to begin with. Also, I think people recover quickly. And they'll most likely find replacements in no time.

And I have to prioritise myself too! Sometimes I feel obliged accepting invites to the expense of my own happiness - I mean, I need time for myself and do whatever I've long planned to do. Or I simply feel the event does not benefit me in any way.

Yup, I guess now I know why. Thanks for analysing this with me.

One Hundred Nine Three

 My husband is so annoying I always feel the need of having some space when he's around.

Now that he's away I am missing him so much.

Urgh the irony.